Crap Shots 2 (2020)

Dear Lord, come save me, the Devils working hard
He probably clocking double shifts on all of his jobs 

- ''HiiiPoWeR'' Kendrick Lamar (2011)   

What can I say? Global Epidemic, Derecho, Government Control. All in a year's work. 

Still, God has been faithful to his people amidst the American insanity. 

I myself have moved around, fought within myself through the isolation, but have come through still whole; understanding more and knowing less. 

“For, were it not good that evil things should also exist, the omnipotent God would almost certainly not allow evil to be, since beyond doubt it is just as easy for Him not to allow what He does not will, as for Him to do what He will.” - St Augustine ''The City of God''

''By means of corporal and temporal things we may comprehend the eternal and the spiritual."  - St Augustine ''The City Of God''

Song by Cocteau Twins

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Lyrics

''I'm seemin' to be a little odd
I'm happy again, caught, caught in time
You 'spose the daughter of yourself
Well, me, I give in to your arms
You're the mad, chokecherry coal
That will burn this old madhouse down''

- Cocteau Twins ''Iceblink Luck'' (1990) 

Hallmark's Christlessness

The director, Fritz Bullinger, of the newest Hallmark movie (the 12th this year) sat down for an interview this morning, in our studio, to talk about the production of the latest holiday exclusive Santa Got Ran Down by Grandma. 

"FB: It was a delightful little set, procured by the higher ups, in Rockford, Illinois. A shabby little studio, though not a problem for CG. The natural atmosphere we were able to use was absolutely amazing, the streets were completely ours, and only 4 crew members were wounded by gunfire. 

GMA: One thing me, and I'm sure all our viewers, have always wanted to know is what does the behind the scenes of a Hallmark movie look like? How does one begin? 

FB: We'll we usually have a script, I tell you Darwin himself couldn't have put together a more fantastic team of writers than the Hallmark staff...

GMA: Fritz, Fritz, I'm sure even the more unavant gare members of our audience understand the actual movie making process. I mean more about the relationship between Hallmark and the director; neoclassism vs the bourgeoisie if you will. 

FB: Well, it's all a mystery. Most of it is shrouded in secrecy and blood oaths, but to my knowledge, there is a office meeting every January where the studio picks out directiors for the seasonal films. A handpicked staff is almost always included with the director of their choosing; which is a very strange practice. At the same time, scripts are prepared and given out to the list of directors, once it is decided upon who will direct, and it is always at random. 

GMA: So what's the mystery?

FB: *pulls out an organic vape*

GMA: You can't smoke on live television, Fritz. 

FB: It's vegan. I swear. *Rips a big fat juicy cloud that hangs over the studio*

FB: Anyway, the mystery is how they make their millions! This formula they use, captivates an entire part of the country every year. You American white women are truly amazing! My fellow directors and I make more through the chocolate bon bon advertisements than we do all year with our own projects! 

GMA: *choking on vape cloud and trying to fan it away from her face* Facisinating. *cough* Facisinating. Tell us, what is the story of the film?

FB: To tell you the truth, I'm a little rusty *laughter* 

I only spent twelve minutes reading the script but I can tell you for sure that it is about a desperate widow, haunted by the memories of her mother being whisked away by an older man's charm and deceit only to be killed in an automobile accident (that also included her husband), is torn between reconsiliation with the older man and move her adopted child from Ethiopia in with the older man with the intent to marry him (the ethiopian, not the older man).

OR choose to be swooned by the beautiful billionaire extraordinaire (played by your's truly) that is out to claim insurance fraud from the older man and inherit the widow and child by anicent near eastern rituals. It's a story of eldership and the delusion of capital interest. 

GMA: Wow. Oscar worthy material, Fritz. 

FB: You better believe it! And the cast! The cast is something else! Hallmark really put out all the fixings on this one. We've got Elliot Page as The Widow, President Joe Biden as The Older Man, Shelly Duvall as The Mother, Mel Brooks as The Ghost of The Husband, Justin Trudeau as The Ethiopian and Me as The Billionaire! You just can't make these things up! 

GMA: Indeed. Tell us, with such an eccentric cast, what was the atmosphere like behind the camera?

FB: It was a rush. So much cocaine. My assistant could put a wall street broaker to shame. The amount of narcotics could put ol' Ozzy in a 10 minute coma but let me tell you what was most important to me behind set; friendship. 

It was beautiful, I've never seen anything quite like it in a cast, why Miss Duvall couldn't stop shaking a person's hand for at least ten minutes on the first day! Trudeau would help give me steroid injections every morning! I've never been more affectionately caressed than by my faithful crew members completely high on PCP. 

GMA: Mr Bullinger, you do know that narcotics are still mostly illegal in America?

FB: *laughs* Not in Rockford, Illinois my girl! Don't be silly! We're not in the 20th century anymore. At my ranch in Oregon, I have a fully equipped pharmacy inside the frame of my bed! 

GMA: Wonderful. Now, sir, how do you regard the controversy surrounding the fact of an all white cast? 

FB: First of all, don't assume my pronouns, lassie, and second, I'd say that the cast is about as diverse as you can get. Trudeau is as black as North American oil, we had the eldery, transgenders, the food we ate was mostly chinese, Barney the Dinosaur was an extra and Mel Gibson was everybody's stunt double. I mean, Netflix has pedophiles but Hallmark has family values. 

GMA: That's quite a bold statement. Controversial even. How would your opinions sit with Hallmark exec's? 

FB: (The following was removed due to conflict of executive interest, for more information see court documents filed under Hallmark Entertainment Vs. NBC Studios)

GMA: Uttery amazing. The boys upstairs will have a field day with this one. Now. On another note. What problems has Covid-19 brought upon the set?

FB: *Panting from exhaustion* Well. *Exhales* It was rough. My assistant's immune system was compromised due to all the abuse it had been put through. She got Rona. 2 boom operators died from it but luckily if you stack enough children inside a trench coat; anything is possible. 

Mr Page wouldn't touch any food with a ten foot pole and announced (via Instagram) a Gandhi like fast for most of the production; CG does wonders, I tell ya. President Biden was so exhausted that he had each of his limbs electronically rigged by remote control; courtesy of Mrs Kamala Harris and Mr Elon Musk. I, myself, was on so much cough syrup that I was constantly robbed at gunpoint each time we did any production outside the studio. 

You've ever had a .22 pointed at your head? Absolutely ghastly. 

The state of Illinois, and the mayor of Rockford, were kind enough to shut down the entire city by roadblock and had the national guard man checkpoints. Army engineers had it looking like Afghanistan by week two of filming.

AND THE PROTESTS *smacks table*, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE PROTESTS, they were everywhere. Even on the rooftops. They didn't wear masks and almost ruined our outside production by their Spotify playlists. The chief of police gave us armed escorts; even to McDonald's. 

GMA: Who's footing the bill for this? 

FB: Taxpayers, of course. 

GMA: Final Question. What is your description of The Holiday Spirit?

FB: Hmmm *fat vape cloud* The Christmas Spirit? 

GMA: You can't say Christmas on live television. *cough*

FB: Oh, Sorry. *Clears nostrils, spits* Umm yeah, The Holiday Spirit, I'd describe it/she/him/them/they like I'd describe from my childhood. 

The Salvation Army guys jing jangling in your ear, parental arguments, alcohol, fruit cake, socks in your stocking, and oh yeah; That God Guy. The one with the catholic mom. Man, i miss him coming down the chimney. 

GMA: Well, we are out of time! That was director Fritz Bullinger, everyone! Santa Got Ran Down by Grandma will premier December 25th, some time in your time zone, on The Hallmark Channel. The soundtrack, including such artists as Bad Religion, 7 Time Grammy Award winner Taylor Swift, King Diamond, The Hillsong Ch*rch Choir, and Drake will be out on Spotify tonight! This has been Ginger Zee from Good! Morning! America!"

The Sheep Vs. The Slaughtered

The Sheep vs. The Slaughtered

Hello District Residents, the following is a state sponsored message: As you all know, the season that was once called "Thanksgiving" is upon us, this was fully recognized by the state to be a harmful cultural tradition as it promoted the horrifying (yet strategically genius) genocide of what was once called "The Native American People". As you all know, there is no such "people group" in our beloved state. Such cultural barbarianism has been done away with.  What the state has put in place of this tradition is a day of love between comrades; Friendship Day.  On this day, we’ll be expressing words (approved by the state of course) of thanks at a heightened level. The following are some phrases recommended by the state as loving and helpful to your fellow comrade. What if we all put those phrases into action? Words: Since I’m thankful for you, I want to keep you safe. Action: I’ll wear a mask and report anyone, not doing so, to the local police force. Violators will be shot on sight.  Words: Since you rely on me to take care of you and I know you’re grateful for that, I want to keep myself safe. Action: I’ll never go to any parties unless they are state sponsored. I'll stay home and study Chancellor Brad Hart's sacred four volume biography and other party sponsored archive material.  Words: I want (and need) for all the children to be educated by state sponsored schools, and I’m thankful for all the adults, teachers, and armed comrades who work hard to keep children safe. Action: I will take all the precautions to help reduce common sense and mistrust in our comrades. As we all share words of gratitude, let’s work hard to make them tangible, actionable. If we want to experience children back to the state sponsored schools, the community must take action to reduce the spread of common sense. Anything common is evil and suspicious. Remember, we need healthy, educated, comrades to make our schools run smoothly. This is a community issue, not a party issue. I am thankful, in advance, for the fear that will keep us all in line. On a personal note . . . I am thankful. Please enjoy your state sponsored entertainment and be loyal. Happy Friendship Day.  In solidarity, Don Knott's III Kommodant of District 7

Fever Dream (The Martial Law Diaries - Part Three)

 (Week 38, Day 3852 of Quarantine)

Where do the shadows go? 

Do they hide away from the darkness or do they stalk the corners of light?

I saw them moving on rooftops, shuffling around, and talking in the wind. I could see them inside the windowpanes of houses. They disappear in the diffused glow of old lightbulbs. They sit on the street corners, cautiously checking both directions before running across the dark roads, and hold hands in a cold affection. 

The green glow of security lights hum in offices and banks. You can't see them in there but you know they were there. Some are tired, old, and ruffle through empty cash registers so that the others don't ask questions. Some hide in plain sight, or should I say plain light, even through the blinding rays of a spotlight, you can see them wrap themselves against the walls of buildings. Sometimes you share a glimpse between them and consider it something that wasn't supposed to happen. They laugh and yell with no expression but the noise always follows you in a way that lets you know that it at least happened. 

Car lights invade and street lights stand still. Things move and you question why. I've seen entire scenes played out in front of me but could only assume what happened. The shadows cover you in a way that makes you feel invincible; the light only reminds you that you aren't. 

Kisses are shared and intimate moments are felt in a way you can't forget but can't remember. Eyes peer out and you wonder what they see. Entire lives are played out and you only caught a glimpse. 

I've stood inside buildings and called out to them but they never come out. You feel them around you, they sometimes can be heard moving around, but you never see them. I've sat in busy offices and walked around crowded stores but never saw anybody.

It's a quiet world. You do things that you wouldn't normally do for the simple fact that nobody can see you except the shadows. You perform for them, talk to them, even yell at them, and they always seem to listen. It's like living inside your own mind but you can move about freely and feel things you can't in dreams. The dull moments slowly play without regard of time and go nowhere. Staring up at the big billboards feels like your the only one that can but the words on it mean nothing to so who are they for?

If you look hard and long enough, the light will return, and you turn around to see that everything wasn't how it was. A change that you can only feel. You retreat into yourself until the moment comes again when you feel no one is watching.        

     

Beesechurger

Seeptown

(Found artifact found in the library of Nicholas Clay)

"April, 13, 1904

From the Parishoners desk of:

St. Peter Presbyterian Church of the Nicene Creed in Seeptown, IA

The casserole Miss Abdy made was burnt this week. Karen Butterfield put too much flour in the pie mixture. Little Johnny urinated on the recently cleaned carpet and Dorcas Doolittle spilled chocolate fondue all over our marbleized baptistry set. That will cost a lot.

Thanks a lot Mr. Doolittle for angrily beating your wife and forcing us to perform church discipline on you for the fifteenth time. Your wife is a befuddled individual. Doesn't know what to do with her free time. You should be ashamed.

Anyway, in more joyful setting, Sally Mayweather passed her first Sunday School exam with flying colors, exceeding all her counterparts in Mr. Boddicks classroom by reciting the Lord's prayer in both English and Germanic, as well as French, Dutch, Swedish, and shall we not forget Koine Greek. She is an inspiration to us all.

Well, time forbids me to write further, so I shall finish by making remarks on Jed Smeagles and Belinda Burkhiuse's recent departure into the eternal realm.

May God's grace shine upon their families during this difficult time.

Signed

Edward T Jave"

The church was later burned and rebuilt by Mongolian raiders searching for beef on the outer edges of the Bermuda Triangle.