"FB: It was a delightful little set, procured by the higher ups, in Rockford, Illinois. A shabby little studio, though not a problem for CG. The natural atmosphere we were able to use was absolutely amazing, the streets were completely ours, and only 4 crew members were wounded by gunfire.
GMA: One thing me, and I'm sure all our viewers, have always wanted to know is what does the behind the scenes of a Hallmark movie look like? How does one begin?
FB: We'll we usually have a script, I tell you Darwin himself couldn't have put together a more fantastic team of writers than the Hallmark staff...
GMA: Fritz, Fritz, I'm sure even the more unavant gare members of our audience understand the actual movie making process. I mean more about the relationship between Hallmark and the director; neoclassism vs the bourgeoisie if you will.
FB: Well, it's all a mystery. Most of it is shrouded in secrecy and blood oaths, but to my knowledge, there is a office meeting every January where the studio picks out directiors for the seasonal films. A handpicked staff is almost always included with the director of their choosing; which is a very strange practice. At the same time, scripts are prepared and given out to the list of directors, once it is decided upon who will direct, and it is always at random.
GMA: So what's the mystery?
FB: *pulls out an organic vape*
GMA: You can't smoke on live television, Fritz.
FB: It's vegan. I swear. *Rips a big fat juicy cloud that hangs over the studio*
FB: Anyway, the mystery is how they make their millions! This formula they use, captivates an entire part of the country every year. You American white women are truly amazing! My fellow directors and I make more through the chocolate bon bon advertisements than we do all year with our own projects!
GMA: *choking on vape cloud and trying to fan it away from her face* Facisinating. *cough* Facisinating. Tell us, what is the story of the film?
FB: To tell you the truth, I'm a little rusty *laughter*
I only spent twelve minutes reading the script but I can tell you for sure that it is about a desperate widow, haunted by the memories of her mother being whisked away by an older man's charm and deceit only to be killed in an automobile accident (that also included her husband), is torn between reconsiliation with the older man and move her adopted child from Ethiopia in with the older man with the intent to marry him (the ethiopian, not the older man).
OR choose to be swooned by the beautiful billionaire extraordinaire (played by your's truly) that is out to claim insurance fraud from the older man and inherit the widow and child by anicent near eastern rituals. It's a story of eldership and the delusion of capital interest.
GMA: Wow. Oscar worthy material, Fritz.
FB: You better believe it! And the cast! The cast is something else! Hallmark really put out all the fixings on this one. We've got Elliot Page as The Widow, President Joe Biden as The Older Man, Shelly Duvall as The Mother, Mel Brooks as The Ghost of The Husband, Justin Trudeau as The Ethiopian and Me as The Billionaire! You just can't make these things up!
GMA: Indeed. Tell us, with such an eccentric cast, what was the atmosphere like behind the camera?
FB: It was a rush. So much cocaine. My assistant could put a wall street broaker to shame. The amount of narcotics could put ol' Ozzy in a 10 minute coma but let me tell you what was most important to me behind set; friendship.
It was beautiful, I've never seen anything quite like it in a cast, why Miss Duvall couldn't stop shaking a person's hand for at least ten minutes on the first day! Trudeau would help give me steroid injections every morning! I've never been more affectionately caressed than by my faithful crew members completely high on PCP.
GMA: Mr Bullinger, you do know that narcotics are still mostly illegal in America?
FB: *laughs* Not in Rockford, Illinois my girl! Don't be silly! We're not in the 20th century anymore. At my ranch in Oregon, I have a fully equipped pharmacy inside the frame of my bed!
GMA: Wonderful. Now, sir, how do you regard the controversy surrounding the fact of an all white cast?
FB: First of all, don't assume my pronouns, lassie, and second, I'd say that the cast is about as diverse as you can get. Trudeau is as black as North American oil, we had the eldery, transgenders, the food we ate was mostly chinese, Barney the Dinosaur was an extra and Mel Gibson was everybody's stunt double. I mean, Netflix has pedophiles but Hallmark has family values.
GMA: That's quite a bold statement. Controversial even. How would your opinions sit with Hallmark exec's?
FB: (The following was removed due to conflict of executive interest, for more information see court documents filed under Hallmark Entertainment Vs. NBC Studios)
GMA: Uttery amazing. The boys upstairs will have a field day with this one. Now. On another note. What problems has Covid-19 brought upon the set?
FB: *Panting from exhaustion* Well. *Exhales* It was rough. My assistant's immune system was compromised due to all the abuse it had been put through. She got Rona. 2 boom operators died from it but luckily if you stack enough children inside a trench coat; anything is possible.
Mr Page wouldn't touch any food with a ten foot pole and announced (via Instagram) a Gandhi like fast for most of the production; CG does wonders, I tell ya. President Biden was so exhausted that he had each of his limbs electronically rigged by remote control; courtesy of Mrs Kamala Harris and Mr Elon Musk. I, myself, was on so much cough syrup that I was constantly robbed at gunpoint each time we did any production outside the studio.
You've ever had a .22 pointed at your head? Absolutely ghastly.
The state of Illinois, and the mayor of Rockford, were kind enough to shut down the entire city by roadblock and had the national guard man checkpoints. Army engineers had it looking like Afghanistan by week two of filming.
AND THE PROTESTS *smacks table*, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE PROTESTS, they were everywhere. Even on the rooftops. They didn't wear masks and almost ruined our outside production by their Spotify playlists. The chief of police gave us armed escorts; even to McDonald's.
GMA: Who's footing the bill for this?
FB: Taxpayers, of course.
GMA: Final Question. What is your description of The Holiday Spirit?
FB: Hmmm *fat vape cloud* The Christmas Spirit?
GMA: You can't say Christmas on live television. *cough*
FB: Oh, Sorry. *Clears nostrils, spits* Umm yeah, The Holiday Spirit, I'd describe it/she/him/them/they like I'd describe from my childhood.
The Salvation Army guys jing jangling in your ear, parental arguments, alcohol, fruit cake, socks in your stocking, and oh yeah; That God Guy. The one with the catholic mom. Man, i miss him coming down the chimney.
GMA: Well, we are out of time! That was director Fritz Bullinger, everyone! Santa Got Ran Down by Grandma will premier December 25th, some time in your time zone, on The Hallmark Channel. The soundtrack, including such artists as Bad Religion, 7 Time Grammy Award winner Taylor Swift, King Diamond, The Hillsong Ch*rch Choir, and Drake will be out on Spotify tonight! This has been Ginger Zee from Good! Morning! America!"
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